"...a different kind of relationship was not possible for me until
I became different in my relationships!"
Does that sound harsh to you? Why? Do you think that victims do not have their own part to play in domestic violence?
Domestic violence is NOT a one-sided thing. Domestic violence IS a dynamic that needs at least two participants, and neither of the participants ever chooses at a conscious or deliberate level to live that dynamic.
I know from my own experience, though, that making a conscious and deliberate choice to get OUT of a domestic violence dynamic is the only way that can ever happen. I finally figured that out while I was living my last abusive relationship (the last in a long line of abusive relationships). What did I figure out? I figured out that HE could not change for ME, but that I could change my SELF. I figured out that I did not have to live in agreement with his dynamic. I figured out that if I wanted peace in my life I would have to be the one to choose it for myself, and allow it to be present in myself.
And that was where I began. I created my own new dynamic that was based in the mindset that "I can choose peace instead of this." And guess what. He did not change. But my perception of him did. I began to see him as my "sacred friend" who was giving me lots of opportunity to practice becoming good at - to become stable in - the dynamic that I had chosen to create for myself.
And during the following nine months I got stronger and stronger and more and more stable in my ability to deliberately choose to feel peaceful, as he became angrier and angrier and more and more violent and out of control. At the end of that nine months I was standing firmly in a foundation of inner peace, and he was completely triggered. And it was a plain and simple fact that he was going to kill me if I stayed there any longer. So I left, permanently. The 10th time was the final time. And I lived.
Not only did I live, but I found that through that process I had become a person who would be able to participate in a healthy and happy relationship.
In Successfully MidAir I stated that my last abuser did not know how to love (it wasn't that he didn't want to, it was that he had never learned how), and that I, as the victim, did not know how to RECEIVE love. (It wasn't that I didn't want to, it was that I had never learned how.)
After I left him, what I found out about myself was that in the creation of my new peace-based dynamic, I had become a woman who could - finally - accept love from another person and know that I was worthy of it.
But I had to make the choice to change for myself. I couldn't do it for him. I couldn't do it for my children. I couldn't do it for society's approval. I had to do it for myself. I had to be willing to care enough about myself to make the choice and then do the work.
Domestic violence is a dynamic. Co-dependent relationships are a dynamic. Your relationship with your money is a dynamic. Your relationship with your physical health is a dynamic. This applies to everything. And if we want ANY relationship to change, then we MUST be willing to do the work of being different IN that relationship.
Nobody CHOOSES to be a victim. Nobody DESERVES to be abused. And on the other side of that I want to say it's my belief that nobody consciously CHOOSES to believe it's right or good to be an abuser. Domestic violence is about power and control, and only a person who feels powerless in their life would ever need to assert or prove their power over another person (whether physically, or financially, or religiously, or academically, or in the workplace, or whatever). Only someone who feels powerless themselves would ever need to make another person feel powerless.
Just some stuff to consider as the topic of domestic violence has become so visible because of recent events...
Much love to you
Sandi
No comments:
Post a Comment
Questions? Comments? I look forward to hearing your thoughts...